I’m no fucking Buddhist, but this is enlightenment

Gertie, i think that maybe once again you may be being too harsh on yourself. true, we do have a tendency to screw ourselves over, and being that i’m from the same fabric, i know that there is little that i can say to make you think otherwise. but lets do a quick tabulation which will prove that you are in fact not a failure.

- you have a fulbright
– a true failed blogger would not blog anymore. sporadic posts are posts nonetheless.
– you are soldiering on with your teaching, i mean, lets face it, its not easy man.
– you are now having a hot affair–whatever yea, there are many issues with it and what not. but just don’t forget to have fun.  dude, you are totally having a hot affair in greece, enjoy it! Throw caution to the wind,  getting hurt feels good sometimes.
– and finally, and you know that i know this all too well, but old habits die hard. give yourself a break. at least you are aware that you are doing the things that you don’t want to do it anymore. that is a step closer to reform.

Oh and about those roommates of yours… i say dont worry too much about it. they dont sound like the coolest guys ever, not worth sweating over.  i say invest on painter guy, just to be friends if nothing more.
alright, so whats going on with me.  I was talking about myself on my facebook status. after too many disappointments, and too much time spent feeling sorry for myself i decided to take action; so yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life. and i fucking meant it.
sometimes cliches are just the best thing to use, you cant help it.  yesterday, i woke up at 9:20 with the sound of my alarm. i spent 30 mins still in bed listening to music and checking out pitchfork. watched the atlas sound video on la blogotheque, heard the new ANCO.  took a shower, while listening to Merriweather. cleaned my room. got ready, made sure that i packed a change for work, and at noon i headed to Adams Morgan.

what seems to be DC’s new favorite companion, the rain, was back, which made the walk from woodly park to the heart of adams morgan annoying. at the same time i dont mind so much the gray, damp weather, it reminds me of sao paulo,  and i also feel that it almost justifies being introspective and reclusive.

suddenly, i find myself at the door of the place where i was going, i got there faster than i expected. walk down to this basement place, and wait for about 30 minutes to do what i came to do.

At about 1:30 in the afternoon, on November 23, 2009, on this rainy day, with Jimi Hendrix’s purple haze in the background…

I got my first tattoo.

its the one that i’ve been talking about for years now, it says know thyself, or γνῶθι σεαυτόν. its in my inner upper right arm. pictures will be up soon. i have to figure out if i can upload things on this loaner computer.  I fucking did it.

so what brought up this dramatic event, what made me act, you might ask…

well, once again i did something mildly ridiculous in order to spend more time with the kid at work. i switched shifts with this other host so that i might spend more time with him. this was this past sunday, and considering that it was sunday, i knew that it wouldnt be as busy, so we would have more time to talk. and everything worked out as i planned, we talked considerably more than usual; we talked politics, philosophy, music, everything that im into and that is good with the world.  we have a lot of things in common, he likes cats more than dogs, he has similar views in politcs as i do.

so from that you’d think that the evening was a success? NOPE. at the end of the night, i was convinced that nothing would ever happen, of course from that i spiraled into down into self pity and depression mode, which turned into self hate and frustration. while talking to my friend, Lin, i came to the realization that i was just a shell of the person that i want to be, that im not really living. and that i complain about not being able to make connections with people, but i think that ultimately, i’m the issue. i push people away. i do it all the time, its instinctive and its because im afraid. relationships scare me, im afraid of being afraid, becoming dependent on someone, judged, you name it.

i’ve always been too cautious, and most importantly non-committal. i couldn’t commit to anything because i was afraid. and that is making me unhappy.  so i looked back to the greatest teachers in history, Plato and Aristotle. Aristotle says that to have the virtues of a virtuous person (which will therefore make one happy), one should swing the pendulum of one’s actions towards that which one wishes to be. so, considering that i’m presently a coward when it comes to human bonding, i must swing to the end of foolhardiness (if thats a word, i don’t know). meaning, that since i already have coward tendencies, i have to aim at acting stupidly brave. and in that process, i will reach a happy medium. so in a nutshell, i have push myself to be outgoing.

from Plato, well, comes the idea of knowing yourself. in many of his texts, he has Socrates saying that that is one of the most important things in life. and a necessary step to becoming an enlightened person, one should understand their desires, and what not (hahah to sound very philosophical).

getting this tattoo might have been a step too far in the foolhardy direction, but i’m confident that i am committing to something worth while. fuck, if i cant make the sort of permanent committment to a belief that i hold so dearly, what can i commit to?

this tattoo is meant to be a constant reminder of where i’m coming from and where i’m going. a constant path to better understand myself, and to better myself. to be the person i want to be, to be happy, that is truly the ultimate aim. I’m a new person, i’m a person now, no longer do i want to be a ghost. i’m 23 and its time to live my life.  you are living yours, and right now you are in the middle of an adventure, and im so excited for you, just dont hesitate anymore, its not worth it.

we have to dive in and brace ourselves for the fall, the scars are good for character building. hahah

anyway, this is all not a sermon–just a thought. lol.

im reading this book by Derek Parfit, and in it he says: ” philosophers should not only interpret our beliefs; when they are false, they should change them”.  i’m pretentious enough to feel like that somehow applies to whats going on here.

we are now doers–people who do shit,  who do shit that they want to do and succeed at it.

nanda

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