the end of last semester was a period of complete internal chaos. scratch that, college was a period of complete internal chaos, of which, almost 5 years after i started it, i’m still understanding the full scope of its consequences.
its a place of self-discovery alright, its perplexing how i was able to at the same time come to terms with–rather, realize my limitations and create grandiose plans for my future. but i think the deepest scar comes from crippling self-doubt that i learned in college. i don’t trust myself anymore, and lets say i get by on subsistent levels of self worth.
almost a year after i graduated, im still left with this herculean project, its long overdue, but i think the professor will still accept it. i need to revisit plato. sigh.
anyway i decided to write this awful post because i remembered how at times i became so in need of a clutch, and considering that i’m a nonbeliever, and a fan on music, i started to take radiohead’s lyrics pretty literally. i made myself believe that everything would be ok because thom yorke said so!
i mean, wow. Kid A was my personal bible.
i also remember maybe a month later after i acquired this new religion when i realized that he maybe he was ironic/ i was being crazy/ although a great album, it cant be my reason to live.
ridiculously enough, i still remember how my heart sunk at the realization of a false religion. there really was a period of my life that i believed that everything was going to be ok because “if you try the best you can, the best you can is good enough”.
its certainly one of those moments when you don’t know if you should laugh or cry. but thats college for you.